On Doubt, Depression and Despair (essay)

By Luke Labern

Doubt—and its murky brothers, depression and despair—are the least useful states of the human psyche, leading only to the atrophy of existence and the waste of the most precious entity there is: life itself.

They lead to nothing other than casual inactivity and misery, and, surprisingly, are entirely the fault of the man who doubts. For, though it may not seem it, and though many people diagnosed with depression (either by themselves or by others) believe this not to be true, the reality is that at all times the human mind is in control of itself. This is an astonishing fact, and in reality, it is a simple one too—the confusion is that “the mind” has so many subtle varieties of meaning that it is hard to understand quite what one means by the term at any given moment. Even here, as each sentence and thought runs on to the next and is later reprised, the meaning shifts slightly. As such, I would like you to take “the mind” to mean the total entity: different aspects of the mind play different roles (regarding self-doubt and faith in oneself) at different times. The system is closed, however: regardless of whether one’s doubt and misery stems from a mistake they made, or a situation forced upon them, the reaction is—and can only ever be—theirs, and theirs alone.

Needless to say, there will be much resistance to this idea, from various quarters. ‘How can it be my fault that I feel like this, when they said such hurtful things about me?’ ‘How can it be my fault that I feel like this, when my own mother died?’ ‘How can it be my fault that I feel like this, when she broke up with me?’

No doubt these points seem reasonable at first—for, who of us has not used them ourselves?—but if we are being truly rational, and really are prepared to get to the truth of the matter, rather than simply make ourselves feel better, the simplest response is this: how could the way you are feeling ever be anyone else’s fault? After all, is it not you who feels the way you do? Is it not you who fuels the anger, the misery, and the grievance? ‘How dare they!’ Well, no one is doubting how vile humans can be to one another, but the more important point is this: if you simply responded to said event with the words ‘Well, what a poor excuse for humanity they have displayed. I have learned how not to act, and I may congratulate myself not only for acting in a far greater manner, but I will allow myself a smile of either contempt or confidence: continue to act that way. It not only displays me in a greater light, but fuels me.’

Granted, one does not have to respond with that exact phrase—and, indeed, the actual words used are irrelevant, and will differ from person to person and from circumstance to circumstance—the difference was solely in attitude. The first response (‘How dare they!’) was based on a mind-set that is pathetic in two ways: the first error was to allow the weakness of another to cause weakness in oneself, and the second was to assume the arrogance of a non-existent moral high ground. On this latter point, one should always remember that what another does is, really, none of their business: no one of us is in such great and consistent control of themselves that they have enough energy to manage and control another human being as well. Let others do as they please, and expect them to allow you to do the same: intervene where necessary, but remember that you cannot force another human to do anything. Freedom is the most important value of all. No hurt of your own displaces that fact. Their life is theirs, yours is yours—which relates to the former point, which is really the subject of this essay. To allow the mistake of another to precipitate in yourself the error of depression… is really to double the original mistake:

If you see what you consider an error, or a powerful wrong, do not complain about it—do something more profound. Never forget that mistake, and do all that you can to never make it yourself. Set the example for yourself and others—and take pride in that fact.

In being told that depression and self-doubt are always, at core, the responsibility of the suffer, there are a number of automatic self-defences that are brought up instinctively. It is most natural to defend oneself when being told that you are in the wrong. It may be the case that you are expecting me to argue that these must be strongly countered, for it is this sort of instinctual thinking is what the irrational lies in. In most cases, this is absolutely what I would do—but, in fact, the reverse is true here, and it proves my point most effectively.

The moment you began to consider that each time you have been depressed, have doubted yourself, or have felt miserable, it has really been because you were not able to stave off those feelings, you undoubtedly felt offended. ‘How can I be in the wrong, after what they did?’ Well, if we ignore the content of this retort and analyse what underlies it, we see that really this is borne out of self-confidence. Indeed, even during our darkest times, when we feel so low as to want to die peacefully—or perhaps painfully—so as to extinguish what little life we have left, we are always able to summon this self-belief. ‘I may feel awful, but you disgust me. You are in the wrong.’

This is fascinating—and a most important fact that can serve you as well as any drug can when you are desperately seeking an amelioration of your mood and sense of self.

It will help, at this time, to use an example—though please remember that the principle underlying this is universally true. No matter how down and out you may feel, no matter how timid and weak you consider yourself, no matter how much you fear the gaze of company or another human, there will always be within you this capacity for outrage. It may appear only briefly, or seem to you quite frail in itself—but it will be there, and it will guide you out of whatever dark corner of existence you find yourself in.

Consider again, then, the man who has found himself newly single—due to the actions of his partner. As always, there will be a multitude of emotional angles (the anger, the misery, the confusion, even a sense of the absurd) but what we are interested in here are two: the standard feeling of rejection, and the much more interesting feeling of anger. ‘How has this happened? We were so perfect…’ Such will be the words spoken post-break up. Once the break-up has occurred, and is certain, there will be a sort of wall between the past and the present: this wall will stop the man in misery from realising what actually caused the break-up. Quite clearly, this couple was not ‘perfect’—far from it. Despite this obvious fact, the (quite possibly broken) man will continue to chime that ‘the relationship worked—I’ve got to fight on; I’ve got to give it another go. This is what love is all about; fighting for one another…’ Then there is an all-important pause, and what seems like a logical thought runs on: ‘besides, I don’t deserve this.’ Here, here is what really matters.

Though at times the same man will be found spouting nonsense, blaming the break-up solely on himself (‘I pushed her to this…’), the reality is that no relationship is even remotely perfect, and it is not only clear that all relationships must end, but it is healthy. It is especially healthy considering the amount of time and attention people give their obscenely-badly matched relationships rather than their life, but still the man may well continue to lie to himself: ‘she is the one for me… I’ve got to get her back! I’m such a dog, such a monster; how could I have wasted my opportunity!’

All of this is pointless.

The vital thing is to return to that moment when the man argues to himself that ‘I don’t deserve this’.

In truth, it honestly does not matter: perhaps he did deserve it; perhaps he did not. It is more than possible to reason either way, depending how persuasive the argument. What matters is that nestled in between those moments of despair, depression and doubt, is a little glimmer of hope. The moment the man stands up for himself, and realises that he is an individual—that all he can ever really control is himself, and himself alone—is the moment the man has in his hands the secret to a successful life. The question is whether he can close his fingers around this precious object—or if it will slip right out of sight. It is a powerful thought: that in one’s darkest moment can be found a secret to heights he has hitherto only dreamed of.

And how, you ask, is this moment so powerful? How is it used?

The answer is already in your hands: by understanding that you control your mind.

Within you is the capacity of misery and for triumph, for desolation and powerful control of all around you: this is a fact. The difficult part is simply in learning to accept this truth. It can sting a vulnerable ego, but the rewards are so impressive it is worth almost any sacrifice. In the example given, there are two outcomes. The moment can be ignored, or considered equally valid to the despair, and if this happens the despair will utterly consume the man and all will continue again. (It is worth noting that mistakenly identifying two unequal things as equal can have truly dire consequences. It is important to get things right; important to identify the truth in matters that may not seem vital.) The second is what will constitute the latter part of this essay: grasping that moment of control and holding fast to it. Controlling the mind is a simple logical point. To achieve well it requires dedication to the idea and a conviction to seeing it through.

Rather than build the argument further, let me demolish the alternative. Far from being needing persuasion, for such a wholly positive and helpful idea, it will be a far greater use of time to destroy the other option. Let us consider, then, the idea that we are not in control of our mind. What then?

If this is true, every success, every moment of happiness, every moment of confidence… stems not from you, but from somewhere else. Where? Your partner? Your friends? Your family? Strangers? Is it really logical to say that it is the down to every single person who is not you that you feel the way you do? You, the only person who has experienced every moment in your life… the person who feeds, cleans, maintains and carries around your body, develops your mind and cultivates an image—that person isn’t in control? The point becomes even more absurd when you consider that these other people are really dependent on everyone else. Take your role model: is it really the case that they are not in control of themselves, that everyone else is responsible for their success? It may seem convincing to argue that certain people can cheer you up when in a darkened mood—and there is no doubt that they do provide a stimulus. But who has not felt awful when really they should have felt much better? If you are not able to stimulate yourself to smile when receiving good news, it is as if that news was of an entirely different nature. If you are not prepared to receive help, the help is useless.

I am not trying to say that we are all alone, all isolated from each other—clearly, we are all connected. What I am utterly convinced of—and I hope that you, too, agree, for it is a profound thing to realise that one has control of their life at the most fundamental level—is that whether euphoric or despondent, the key to sustaining or changing your mood, status and your entire life, always has been and always will be, entirely within your hands. As you read this, you already possess all that it takes to fulfil your dreams. Whether they are modest or ambitious, there is nothing stopping you except yourself.

This is not simply uplifting news—it is also a burden. If your success (be it financial, romantic, physical or philosophical) is entirely yours to craft—so too is your downfall. If you cannot motivate yourself to use each day, rather than let it pass you by, it is no one else’s fault but yours. Indeed, a death, break-up or terrible mistake may well provide a persuasive reason to spend months in self-pity, but in reality, it is your choice to escape this. I say this not from a height: too many times I have found myself questioning my talents and my character, my chosen purpose and my very existence—and too many times have I wanted to end it rather than continue. I have sunk to the depths of doubt more times than anyone could ever wish to know.

But I have risen, each time, and it is from these depths that I have drawn this knowledge. These dark times could easily be described as a waste of my life, but for the fact that each time when staring in the mirror and asking myself if I was ever really worth of the things I dreamed, and which method of suicide would be the most noble, I have realised that to come from such a depth is a powerful act in itself. To stare at your life at the most abstract level and condemn it as worthless… and then to realise that, no, a life is by definition an opportunity, and to literally pull oneself up and rebuild oneself again… is the most important thing a human being can ever do. To crawl from one’s lowest point to health is worth the misery. One learns more about themselves and life itself than most people ever do.

To rebuild oneself and to know that all time is now a gift—though it always has been—is a precious mind-set, and leads to greater relationships, a greater use of time and a powerful focus. To come from wanting to die to wanting to live more than anything, is a majestic feeling. It may be tempting to think of that person as forever weakened by their lows, but the reverse is true: recovering from those depths is testament to the strength of the human spirit—its will to live, its will to survive, its will to flourish.

Indeed, we have moved on several stages from where we began—but such will be your journey if you accept that you are responsible for everything in your life: the successes and failures, the decisions you make, the friends you keep, the actions you commit to, even the moments you choose to back away; all define you, and all are yours. To finish, then, let us return to the man suffering despair after a break-up.

His eyes are sore; his body is weak. He awakes each day from nightmares, feeling as though he really has no control over his life. And yet, as his thoughts continue to run and run, to the point that he feels nauseous at their speed, he continually finds one persistent thought cropping up—just for a split-second—every now and then.

I don’t deserve this.

Again, from a purely logical view, there is only one sensible action. If you are now convinced that, at heart, it is important to take control of your entire life and everything in it—including what powers others hold over you—there is only one thing to do now: take control. Re-cast the words in whatever manner you see fit. Vitally, make the move from being offended at being broken up with, to being offended at feeling the way you do. Saying ‘I don’t deserve to feel like this’ is a far more helpful thought than ‘I don’t deserve to be broken up with’. It is the right of everyone to break any contract they wish. It is the right of any partner to end a relationship at any time, even if the circumstances may paint the situation ‘unfair’ (right before an exam, for example). The truth is that we only have one life, and to waste any of it for any reason is a disgusting misuse of the most precious resource we have. The partner had every right to end it, but the man is right: you don’t deserve to feel like this.

Fasten on to this thought, hold it dear. Let sadness dissolve and let anger take its place: the same intensity of negative emotion can find a much healthier outlet in anger. No emotion should be ignored; all have their place. Anger, however, is a motivator—unlike sadness, which is a menace that only incapacitates otherwise powerful human beings. By all means, grieve—though by this time we are assuming the man is finished and is fed up with sadness. It is time to stop blaming others for your position, and realise that how you feel is a reflection of the type of thoughts you think.

If you think negatively, and long for the past—you will experience only negative situations, and will be anxious about the future.

If you think positively, and long to change your future for the better—and if you have the passion to see it through when challenges arise again—you will dominate all ahead of you, and you will become a successful human being fulfilled at both the simple and grand level.

All of this truly stems from this vital step: taking control and accepting responsibility. The man in this example made the decision to enter the relationship, and with it accepted that it would end (either by a decision, or death): to pretend that the break-up is not his choice is a grave error. The same is true in all walks of life: if you can read these words and process them, you have control of your life.

The thoughts here may well be controversial to some, and if they are too challenging, then these people are entitled to let them lie—but they will have to accept that when those who take full control of their lives are succeeding in all their goals and relationships, it was, in reality, their choice not to take the advice. There is no escaping this fact; there is only acceptance or denial.

The question, then, is this: are you prepared to extend that feeling of satisfaction you take when you know that you have succeeded because of the choices you made… to your feelings of despair? If you can, you are in possession of an incredible piece of knowledge—a life changing piece of knowledge.

The thought is simple, but its power is as profound as life itself:

Your life is yours, and all that you do is a consequence of your decisions—whether you choose to embrace it or not.

Essay,
Published 08 November 2024



From here, you can view my portfolio, read the disclaimer, learn about my latest book, Fable,
or go back to the top of the page.


If you wish to discuss my work, or its themes

While I no longer stand by the work itself, the themes remain relevant: the meaning of life, finding purpose, exitalism, philosophical depression, nihilism, and the eessential questions of existence.

I was, and remain, open to discussion and to advice.

You can contact me here.

Disclaimer: This was written by an atheist. A fool. I do not stand by this work. I have left this here for the sake of posterity, and for the necessity of correcting myself. Click here for more information.